Cat Quotes

Cat Laws

Always give generously. A small bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, I care. Climb your way to the top. That’s why the drapes are there. Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours. Find your place in the sun. Especially if it happens to be on that nice pile of warm, clean laundry. If you’re not receiving enough attention, try knocking over several expensive antique lamps. Life is hard, then you nap. Make your mark in the world. Or at least spray in each corner. Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone’s face. Variety is the spice of life. One day ignore people, the next day annoy them. When eating out, think nothing of sending back your meal twenty or thirty times. When in doubt, cop an attitude.

Funny

Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet. “Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?” “No, I’d like a dead cat in a glass.” — Cheers Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. – Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will urinate on your computer. I thought I saw a pussycat… — Tweety Faster, pussycat, kill, kill! — Russ Meyer He wanted a pet, so he asked for an octopus, thinking it would be an eight-sided cat. Hit her with a squirtgun like you’re trying to train a cat to stay off the sofa. — Loveline I can’t use Windows. My cat ate my mouse. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat, and dropped it from a height, on which side would it land? I think they’re blaming the cat. — the bunnies’ theory about why Megan Coughlin now have a vacuum I want to be a lion. Everybody wants to pass as cats. — Counting Crows I would love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and floss my cat. Never wear anything that panics the cat. — PJ O’Rourke People who take cat naps don’t usually sleep in a cat’s cradle. Subliminal kitty messages? “You are getting very sleepy” is not a command when said to a cat; it is an eternal truth. — Ari Rapkin Sure, we just route the main sensor through Data’s cat. THE PET PRINCIPLE: No matter which side of the door the cat or dog is on, it’s the wrong side. There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats. These aren’t my thoughts, they’re my cat walking on the keyboard. To a cat, “NO!” means “Not while I’m looking”. Wake up and smell the cat food in your bank account. — They Might Be Giants We’re staying together for the sake of the cats. – Bumper sticker When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. — Rodney Dangerfield Where the hell are the singing cats? — Paul Newman to David Letterman Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food? Why must I feel like that? Why must I chase the cat? — George Clinton You might be a redneck if your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Wisdom

A cats worst enemy is a closed door. Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. — Robert Heinlein Isn’t there always a cat napping on whatever you’re reading? Moroccan Proverb: An old cat will not learn how to dance. A cat that jumps on a hot stove will never jump on a hot stove again. Neither will it jump on a cold stove. — Michael Cameron We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore, either. — Mark Twain A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. — Ben Franklin A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. — Mark Twain After dark all cats are leopards. — Native American Proverb All I need to know I learned from my cat. Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. — Garrison Keillor Cats know how we feel. They don’t care, but they know. Fear is a slinking cat I find beneath the lilacs of my mind. — Sophie Tunnel How important is freshness in a dry cat food? To a cat, it’s very important. If a cat does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same thing, for the same reason, we call it intelligence. — Will Cuppy Never try to outstubborn a cat. – Lazarus Long, Time Enough for Love Often the cats who need the most affection are the ones that are the most difficult to love and scratch you when you’re trying to pet them. One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. Only my cat understands me. Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. That project is a goat rodeo. It’s like an exercise in herding cats. The idea of calm exists in a sitting cat. — Jules Renard The world is a cat toy. To the cat, the experimenter is problematic. You can’t look at a sleeping cat and be tense. — Jane Pauley

Cats and Dogs

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow. — Jeff Valdez You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you. I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. — Steven Wright Letting sleeping dogs lie, sleeping cats fry. – Me 90 MEOW…SPLAT…RUFF…SPLAT…(Raining cats & dogs) The dog needs the high grass so he can hide from the neighborhood cats. — Men’s Health, on how to get out of mowing the lawn You burp, and guys think it’s adorable. You puke, and they fight to hold your hair back. — The Truth about Cats and Dogs Women and cats do as they dammed well please, and men and dogs had best learn to live with it.

Wordplay

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. And what are cat diapers called? PamPurrs? Blond Medical Dictionary Term: Cat Scan, n. – Search for kitty. A cat has paws at the end of its claws; a comma has pause at the end of its clause. Bird feeders also double as cat feeders. Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. Chrysler killed the cat. Fiddle: Friction of a horse’s tail on a cat’s entrails. Geek status symbol #104: Your three cats are named ‘sed’ ‘grep’ and ‘awk’. He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice. I fed some lemon to my cat and now I have a sour puss. If you throw a cat out the car window, is it kitty litter? Large mountain cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. Macrobiotic cats eat brown mice. My other cat is a Jaguar. Palindrome: Was it a car or a cat I saw? Rigor Morris. The cat is dead. The moving cat sheds, and having shed, moves on… You’re feline sleepwear. The cat’s pajamas. — Joann Boyd

Cats Talking

Suffering Sucatash — Sylvester the Cat Let’s face it, buddy. I have a body that makes *men* wet! — Cat, Red Dwarf Most people leave their bodies to medical science. I’m leaving mine to the Louvre, baby! — Cat, Red Dwarf Smooth… with a capital SMOO! — Cat, Red Dwarf What’s wrong with your face? It’s upside-down and inside out, that’s what! Oowww! — Cat, Red Dwarf He pushed me off a building, just when I was beginning to feel good about myself. — Catwoman I’m a woman, and can’t be taken for granted. Life’s a bitch. Now so am I. — Catwoman, Batman Returns I believe that one day everyone, everywhere will know the wonders of my nipples. — Stimpson J. Cat You can’t help that. We’re all mad here. — The Cheshire Cat You must be mad, said the Cheshire Cat, or you wouldn’t have come here. — Lewis Carroll “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat. — Lewis Carroll